Noah 2003 version

 

Year 2003 and Noah lives in the United States.

The Lord speaks to Noah and says:  "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed.  But, I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the  earth.  Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."

In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.

Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.

"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the
seas of the earth went into a tumult.  The Lord saw Noah sitting in his
front yard weeping.
 

"Noah," He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah.  "I did my best, but there were big
problems.  First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did
not comply with the codes.  I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw them.

Then, I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.
 

Then, my neighbour objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl.  However, I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls and signed a consent order to take a scant portion of trees to preserve the forest.

But, then, the Fish and Wildlife Service wouldn't let me catch any owls.  So, no owls on board.
 

The carpenters, subsequently, formed a union and went out on strike. 
And, I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. 
Now, I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group.  They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.

Just when I got that suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I would not be able to begin work on the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.  They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.

Then, the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood  plain.  I sent them a globe.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!

The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in
preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.

I just got a notice from my resident state that I owe some kind of user tax and had failed to register the Ark as a recreational water craft."

 Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that, since God is flooding the earth, it is considered a religious event and is, therefore, unconstitutional.

I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm.  A rainbow arched across the sky.  Noah looked up hopefully.

"You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
 

"No," said the Lord sadly.  "The government already has."

   AMEN!

 

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