Dear Diary,
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the sweet dear) purchased me a week of personal training at the local health club.
Although I am still in great shape (from playing on my high school softball
team), I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I
called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Bruce who described himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed  pleased with my sudden enthusiasm to get started. Well, the club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress, so here it goes:
Started my day at 6:00 AM. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He
is something of a Greek God with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling
 white smile. Woo Hoo!!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill.
He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast but I attribute it to standing
next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way
in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar in to the air, then, he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't
try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster.


Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some
other stupid things too.
Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being half an
hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to work out
with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine, which I sank.
I hate that bastard Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world.

Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I dont have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the F^#%*# barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching
eleven straight hours of the F@!&*# Weather Channel!
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband  will choose a gift for me that is fun, like a root canal or a




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